How to Feel Relevant as an Elder
As we age, one of the hardest things to grapple with is the feeling of becoming irrelevant. I've seen it time and time again in my own life and in the lives of my retired friends. Whether we were once high-flying executives, respected academics, or simply the go-to person in our social circles, the decline in our abilities and the diminishing of our relevance can be a bitter pill to swallow.
I remember a conversation I had with an old friend, a rare-book dealer in New York. He used to regale dinner parties with tales of his globe-trotting adventures in search of literary treasures, his high-stakes dealmaking... But as the years went by, he could see the way people's eyes glazed over when he spoke. He felt like yesterday’s news.
It's a sentiment echoed by many in their later years. A fifty-year-old university administrator confided in me that she lives in fear of the day when artificial intelligence will make her job obsolete. A prominent female journalist in her fifties admitted that the grind of the job - the endless council meetings, highway crashes, murders, and tax stories - had worn her down. The weariness had set in, and the motivation was harder to muster.
Chasing Your Younger Self
Studies have shown that seniors who rarely or never "felt useful" were nearly three times as likely to develop disabilities and more than three times as likely to die prematurely compared to those who frequently felt useful.
However, the perceived decline aligns directly with the prestige previously achieved. If you've reached great heights in your career and are deeply invested in that prestige, the fall from grace can be all the more painful.
I once met a man on a cruise who had been wildly successful in his youth - rich, famous, respected. But now, in his later years, he was miserable. The memories of his past glories weren't enough to sustain him. In fact, they made his current irrelevance all the more acute.
The Pitfalls of Early Success
Even being identified as gifted early in life can lead to problems down the road. Studies have shown that people who were labeled as highly gifted in their youth tend to have less favorable psychological well-being in their eighties. It's a reminder that early success is no guarantee of happiness in later life.
Professional athletes are a prime example of this phenomenon. Many struggle greatly after leaving their sports careers, with addiction and even suicide being tragically common. An Olympic gold medal gymnast, told me that his "Olympic self" could ruin his marriage and leave his kids feeling inadequate. He's had to consciously engineer her post-Olympic life to avoid those pitfalls.
Regaining the Sense of Purpose
So what's the solution? The key, I believe, is to continually seek out new sources of purpose and meaning. To resist the temptation to rest on our laurels and instead keep pushing ourselves to learn, grow, and contribute.
It's not always easy, but it's essential if we want to maintain our vitality in our later years. As I often say, retirement means freedom - the freedom to reinvent ourselves, to pursue new passions, and to find new ways to be useful and relevant in the world.
We can't hold onto our past glories forever. Back in my prime, I could spend all day out on the golf course, perfecting my swing and competing with my buddies. But now, even though I still love the game, I just can't keep up like I used to.
The dissatisfaction that comes with this decline is a real challenge. We humans are wired to always want more, to chase that next big achievement that we hope will finally bring us lasting satisfaction. But the truth is, that feeling is fleeting. As soon as we reach one goal, we're already looking ahead to the next.
The Triple Whammy
The decline problem is a triple whammy for those of us who strive.
We need ever-greater successes to avoid dissatisfaction, but our abilities are declining.
As we try to stay on top of our game, we can fall into unhealthy patterns like workaholism, which strains our relationships with loved ones.
By the time we finally hit a wall, we may find ourselves isolated and alone.
I've seen it happen to too many of my friends and colleagues over the years. They get caught in a vicious cycle of chasing past glories, never feeling satisfied, and pushing away the people who care about them most.
Choosing Your Path
So, my fellow retirees, here's the deal. When it comes to those skills that made you successful in your career, you can expect significant decline to start as early as your thirties, or as late as your early fifties. It's not fun, but it's the reality we all face.
You've got three choices:
Deny the facts and fight against the inevitable decline, setting yourself up for frustration.
Succumb to decline and see your aging as an unavoidable tragedy.
Accept that what got you here won't get you where you want to go, and start building new strengths and skills.
If you choose door number three, congratulations! There's a bright future ahead. But it's going to take some work and a new way of thinking.
In my experience, the key is to embrace this new phase of life and all the possibilities it brings. Maybe you won't be the hotshot you once were in your career, but you can still find new passions and purpose. Take it from me, there's nothing quite like the freedom and joy of discovering new hobbies and interests in retirement.
So don't let the decline get you down. Embrace it, adapt to it, and most importantly, enjoy the ride!